6 mistakes of parents who do not give children a chance to become adults and independent

6 mistakes of parents who do not give children a chance to become adults and independent

Any, even the most beautiful and loving parents are primarily people who can make a mistake. And most often, guided by good intentions. The lack of independence of the younger generation, according to the educational foundation of The Varkey Foundation, worries 42% of parents.

We at Day-Way.top decided to recall parental decisions that do not prepare the child for adulthood at all.

1. Excellent student complex

As adults, we understand that people are imperfect and have the right to make mistakes. But it is precisely in this right that many parents, sometimes with the best of intentions, refuse children. Chad needs to get into a top university, which means we are preparing in advance — and no failed test exams! Unfortunately, this approach does not always benefit, but to form fear of error , coupled with the desire to get the highest scores and approval can easily.

Many adults struggle with the complex of excellent students, and not all of them were medalists in schools. And if panic fear to be mistaken binds the child before the exam, and you — before the interview, try to imagine the worst. Retake? Another meeting with Eychar? It doesn’t sound as deadly as it sounds.

2. Comparison with other children

“You made it worse than Masha, try to be better than Masha” and “You made it worse than you did yesterday, try next time” — the theses are absolutely opposite, even if at first glance they look the same. The first formulation assumes a comparison with other people’s success and, as a result, dependence on someone else’s success or failure. It turns out that if “Masha” suddenly makes a mistake, can we not try? And if, on the contrary, bypasses the child in all respects, he will never keep up with parental praise?

But the second phrase does not provoke in the child envy of others’ achievements and helps to see his own progress: even if today your child did not reach the top, the fact that he already managed to touch it is his merit.

3. You don’t need it

From the height of his experience, parents often know better where their child stuffs cones, which circle he is likely to throw, and where he will be happy to stay. But when it comes to hobbies and interests, a democratic approach will help maintain confidence. “We will not go to the music school, you will grow up slouching. Let’s go to the dance, everything is with a straight back ”- just such a case. Independence begins where free choice appears. And the lack of interest in the hobbies of the child and the neglect of his emotions lead to problems in older adults.

4.Toxic «we»

Many people are familiar with the ironic “we ate” (and not only), but in fact this “we” sometimes slyly hides even from the parents themselves. Answering the questions posed to the child, for him, we do not allow him to express his opinion. Rushing to help him at the first failure, we deprive himself of the opportunity to cope with the difficulty himself and gain invaluable experience.

“We are manifested in the desire to look into the child’s personal diary, to keep his room open, to decide categorically for him which shirt to wear and another toxic care , when the child’s identity is not perceived separately, but as a continuation of parental aspirations or ambitions. Not all parents can admit it.

5. Self-assessment strike

Scientists proved that the level of self-esteem of a child depends largely on education . Most parents do not want to knock the ground out from under their feet. But you can inspire a feeling of inferiority or helplessness not only with straightforward “you are stupid”, “I will not love you” and “you cannot do it”.

Sometimes a disappointed sigh or a disgruntled face of a parent more eloquently than any words indicate that the child did not live up to the expectations placed on him. In difficult periods — when the child lost, failed, or stumbled — it is especially important to be on his side, and not in the role of judge.

6. Guilt complex

The habit of taking a lot on yourself and regularly experience guilt toxic for a child. A difficult stage is a child who is “guilty” of unsuccessful relations of parents, in someone’s ruined youth and similar circumstances, which are completely beyond his control. But the same effect, just in a smaller «dosage», have other parental misses. For example, the reaction to a real children’s misconduct — damage to things. You can search together for a way that will fix everything, and you can swear and redo it yourself, and then the child will not work through this situation and, at best, will learn that it was somewhere wrong.

We will be happy if our list does not remind you of your relationship — with both parents and children. Maybe you can add it or argue with some points by your own experience. Share your opinion in the comments — it can help someone to take the right step, get rid of the children’s complex or better understand the opposite side in the eternal conflict “fathers vs. children».

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